I was listening to a creative nonfiction podcast yesterday and the host made a comment that he’d “squandered his 30’s.” Initially when I heard that I thought, “Me too!” But as the morning continued I couldn’t stop coming back to that word, “squandered.” Had I really squandered anything? Did I regret my 30’s so much that’d I was ready to discount them entirely?
Brains are tricky things in general. My memories as a whole are rather blurry with random vivid spots sprinkled throughout. Trauma does this. Repeated trauma has a lasting impact. But to write off a whole decade as worthless…I found myself trying to dredge up memories and feelings from my 30’s. (Note to the reader: I’m 40 as of this writing so it isn’t as though we’re discussing ancient history here.)
The reality is I couldn’t be where I am, who I am, without all the lived decades before. Without all the questionable decisions, regrettable relationships, forks in the road not taken, without all of that I couldn’t have the cherished memories, challenging accomplishments, gained strength.
So what if I haven’t yet made all the big splashes I dreamed about. I’ve made some splashes but I think it’s the ripples I’m finding more meaningful, more lasting.
Ripples that cascade to reach distant shores. The ripples I’ve created mean I’ve connected with more people, I’ve touched more lives than I could possibly know.
By the end of the day I was no longer regretting a squandered decade. I was cherishing years spent learning about myself, challenging myself, growing myself. I might not be where I want to be but are we ever? Do we ever want to reach the destination because then the journey is over. Better to focus on the ripples and see where they carry us.